Groaners II

Groaners Issue II
December 1999
All Original Material

Copyright © Geoffrey Higginson
All Rights Reserved

1. And now it's time for my latest collection of paronomastic manipulations of well known aphorisms and quotations. After all, there can be only pun.

2. "Oh honey, " cried Cynthia, "I've spilled wine on the carpet. I'll watch it while you get a rag."
"You'll watch it?", inquired her incredulous husband.
"Of course dear, didn't you know that a watched spot never soils?"

3. A notorious bank robber was arrested last night after being spotted by a sharp eyed RCMP officer just as the ferry he was on arrived in Vancouver. His short-lived break for freedom was brought to an abrupt halt by an alert BC Ferries worker who tripped the man, sending him sprawling off the edge of the dock and into the sea. RCMP say that the Ferries worker will also be facing charges for his role in harboring a known felon.

4. Herb Timmons was the second fastest runner in the district--only Jed Irving could beat him. Herb tried, and tried, but even though Herb was a year older Jed beat him every time. But Herb practiced hard and finally beat Jed out for the district championship. Then he turned to Jed and said with a grin "And now young Jed I., now I am the faster."

5. In other news, a fleet footed youth who stole a bouquet from a street vendor today was quickly apprehended by police when he stopped to sell the roses.

6. I've worked in a brokerage house for almost fifteen years now and I'd like to think I've learned a few things along the way. So let me give you a tip. Stocks are strictly for the lower classes--gentlemen prefer bonds.

7. And then there was the Thursday night that Bob showed up for the poker game with a beautiful shiner blackening his left eye. He didn't want to talk about at first but a few beers loosened his tongue and the story came out. He'd had a hot date the night before and while they were sitting out on the porch together he'd gotten too free with his hands and she'd popped him one. "You idiot," Ron exclaimed in disgust, "you don't paw till an inside date!"

8. Every winter folk seek solace from the cold by shopping--treating retailers to their busiest season of the year. I guess it's true, it's a mall world after fall.

9. My cousin Betty works as a receptionist in a hospital psychiatrist's office and meets all sorts of "interesting" people. For example, she says they recently had no less than two Russian czars come by in an afternoon. The first walked in, presented himself at the desk, and introduced himself as Czar Nicholi. Usually those under such delusions don't seek help, but it seems that this particular czar had recently had a tonsillectomy. He'd wanted to save his tonsils in a jar and and was now seriously depressed because the hospital had lost his tonsils. Betty suppressed an urge to laugh and had him sit down in the waiting room. Moments later two hospital interns dragged in the second czar, a straight-jacketed Czar Ivanovich, and dumped him next to his countryman. Soon enough the doctor came out, glanced at the two, and asked Betty which was his next patient and what their complaint was. Quipped Betty, "First czar on the right and stray tonsil mourning".

10. What did the alcoholic vampire say to the bartender?
"I want to suck your Bud."

11. It seems a local cult has taken the money-grubbing techniques of the more despised televangelists to a new level--their worshipers pray on the installment plan, donating fixed payments to the cult until they've worked off the cost of the prayer. They claim it works, but a new convert once challenged the system. He pointed out that despite regular prayers for good fortune a well-known cult member had not only lost his job but seen his wife run off with an older man. "Him?" came the snorted response. "He's a moron--he's not praying with a full check."

12. At the Jonestown correctional facility, a petty thief was recently forcibly evicted from a conjugal room, where he was sleeping next to his girlfriend, by a guard annoyed at the delay. His girlfriend promptly sued the facility for invasion of privacy--and won. "You idiot!" screamed the guard's superior, "Don't you know you can't budge a crook by their lover?"

13. Cleopatra got on well with Marcus Anthony, but she got sick and tired of everyone else drooling over her each time she went out. Finally, while on an outing with Marcus and his compatriots, she snapped. Jumping up on a nearby dais she screamed at them all: "Friends, Romans, countrymen--end me your leers!"

14. Or how about the medieval baron who was so concerned about the enroaching flood waters that he begged his king for assistance. The king agreed to send two score of his best men with wagons to help carry the baron's holdings out of the path of the flood. The thankful baron returned to his lands and called his vassals together. "We will be saved from the flood," he announced, "if we but wait for forty drays and forty knights."

15. I took a trip to Italy last year and I really enjoyed myself. In fact, the only thing that really annoyed me was the bus tour of Florence. The driver was friendly and the bus was comfortable but the windows were so dirty that I could barely see out. To make matters worse, I saw other tourists departing on the company's other bus when I returned from my tour and its windows were dirt free. I guess I should have expected it though, they say the glass is always cleaner on the other ride of Florence.

That's almost it for this issue, but let's go out with a true groaner...

16. I may be working at McDonalds but I'm moving up in the world. One day, one day soon, I'll be clerking at The Men's Warehouse. Successful people will walk up to me with fashionable suits and I'll look them straight in the eye and ask "Do you want ties with that?".

And here's the official key...
  1. there can be only pun
    = there can be only one
    (quotation from Highlander)
  2. a watched spot never soils
    = a watched pot never boils
  3. harboring a known felon
  4. and now young Jed I., now I am the faster
    = and now young Jedi, now I am the master
    (paraphrase from Star Wars)
  5. stopped to sell the roses
    = stopped to smell the roses
  6. gentlemen prefer bonds
    = gentlemen prefer blonds
  7. don't paw till an inside date
    = don't draw to an inside straight
  8. a mall world after fall
    = a small world after all
  9. first czar on the right and stray tonsil mourning
    = first star on the right and straight on till morning
    (quotation from Peter Pan)
  10. I want to suck your Bud
    = I want to suck your blood
  11. not praying with a full check
    = not playing with a full deck
  12. can't budge a crook by their lover
    = can't judge a book by it's cover
  13. end me your leers
    = lend me your ears
  14. forty drays and forty knights
    = forty days and forty nights
    (the length of the biblical Flood)
  15. the glass is always cleaner on the other ride of Florence
    = the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
  16. do you want ties with that
    = do you want fries with that
    (McDonalds' tagline)

Copyright 2000 by Geoffrey Higginson
All Rights Reserved