Groaners I

Groaners Issue I
January 1999
All Original Material

Copyright © Geoffrey Higginson
All Rights Reserved

Hi! You have been found and gagged. Think you can do better? Then put your funny where your mouth is or you're out of the punning.

1. That's right sir, I'd like a position. My last job? I was a spotter at a gym, tracking guys' progress and clocking their workouts. Why did I leave? The place burned down you see, and now I time weights for no man.

2. We tried to corral a herd of wild horses once. It didn't work. Whatever type of fencing we tried the stallion would simply ram his way through and the mares would follow after him. We should have known better--the male must go through.

3. Jack and Jill were all set to be married when Jack's mother died. There was no question about it, the wedding had to be delayed. They loved each other but they had to put remose before the marriage.

4. Ah Cambridge, I can't recall when else I've had so much fun. I remember the poor photographer who took our class picture. He played with our arrangement and his lights and his flashes while we snickered to ourselves but he never got our Professor's head out of shadow. There's nothing he could have done of course, our Professor was the Chair of the Department--and it's always darkest right before the Don.

5. It was evening on the Canadian prarie and some settlers were relaxing with the natives who had helped them get the last of the crop planted (for a fair share of course). "A great country," mused one grizzled oldster as he puffed gratefully on Indian tobacco, "and a great combination--our loam and Native hand."

6. For this year's company picnic we've hired professionals to time the races. Last year, you see, we had a three way photo finish for the egg and spoon race and we had no end of trouble trying to figure out who'd actually won the race. Kenneth claimed he'd won, but Ronald protested that his latest girlfriend (floozy if you prefer) had beaten Ken by a nose. And Pete insisted that he should take the prize since he was leaning forward and the tip of his spoon crossed the finish line first. We never did figure out which came first: the chick, Ken, or the egg.

7. Gather round my children, gather round, and I will tell to you the tale of the Foolish Tailor and the Djinn. It was long ago, when our ancestors ruled this desert with fire and sword, that the great Djinn Afstana saved the Sultan Surfunda's beautiful daughter from those who had kidnapped her and was in return awarded a medal with full pomp and circumstance. The Djinn have ever been a vain people and Afstana was no exception. He forthwith took himself to a tailor and ordered that the bottle to which he was bound be bedecked with fine silks and adorned with the medal which the Sultan had given him. The tailor decorated the bottle as ordered, but placed the medal within the silk that the Djinn might gaze out upon it. When Afstana returned he was furious, for the medal was for others to look upon and know his greatness. In his anger he causes a whirlwind to sweep away the foolish tailor. And truely he was foolish, for is it not written: "garb a djinn jar badge out"?

8. Diane Young was young no longer. Well past the half-century mark she was--but still going strong. She'd never been one for slacking, or for walking when she could run. Always in a hurry and always working on her gardening. She'd been stewarding the arboreal wonders on her family's estate ever since her much beloved Papa had passed on. And then one day it happened--a weakened branch fell and nearly crushed the good woman where she stood. Later, in hospital, a doctor had to give her the bad news--she wasn't going to make it. She smiled and replied, "I've no regrets, the trees are beautiful." The doctuor furled his brow, confused and wondering if his patient was losing her mind as well as her life. But she sensed his confusion and explained. "When my daddy died the last thing he said to me was 'Live fast, Di Young, and leave a good looking copse.'"

9. Last autumn I took my little boy for a walk in the forest. We hadn't gone far when we saw a gorgeous buck, with a full set of antlers. I explained to my boy how to tell the deer's age by the antlers and mentioned how lucky we were to see him since most lived deeper in the forest. Well our luck must have been running strong for no more than a quarter hour later we came upon one of the most magnificent beasts I have ever seen, a grizled oldster of a buck with a rack that bowed his head. "Look daddy!" exclaimed my little boy excitedly, "Another deer oldster, and deeper in yet!".

10. My friend Fank fancies himself a handyman and last summer he took it upon himself to install a clay fireplace in his hunting cabin. He did so and so pleased was he with the result that he came and fetched me over to see. Unfortunately it seems that he had neglected to properly fire the clay and by the time we returned the fireplace was an unsightly puddle in the corner. "Ah well," said Frank with a philosophical sigh, "absence makes the hearth flow yonder."

11. I just got back from the Society for Creative Anachronism's practice joust. The real one is on Saturday and it looks like it's going to go well. We were worried for a while though, the selection committee picked an ambitious laywer to judge the competition this year and he was harassing competitors over every little detail. He got taken aside afterwards though, and it was firmly explained to him that he had to loosen up a bit for the coming event. Oh he was upset at first, but he eventually gave in--he knew in his heart he couldn't be this strict at Tourney.

12. When the Famous Inspector of Scotland Yard received an anonymous tip that a KGB agent was sneaking into the country he didn't waste any time. Gathering his men about his he went straight down to the Post and hauled the man out of the crate in which he had arrived in the country. "How..how did you know?" snarled the defeated agent. "Elementary my good man, everyone knew the Czech was in the mail."

13. A nightclub owner known for hiring only tried and true acts surprised his associates when he calmly took a risk on a new and untried dual act. But Lilian's singing voice wowed the crowd and Annette's fan dance amazed even the most jaded patron. The owner made a killing and his friends begged to know how he'd chosen the act. "Simple," said the man smugly, "Everyone loves Lil or fan Annie."

14. I'd no sooner started my summer job at the zoo than I was assigned to feed the lions. I was more that a little nervous at the prospect but despite my trepidation I needed the job so I hauled the stack of steaks over to their enclosure. I was just about to toss the first one in when the brute closest to be let out a deafening roar, sending me reeling backwards. A passing older hand laughed at my discomfiture and advised: "Don't worry about that mangy brute, he's just got a toothache--and when it pains he roars."

15. Martha's little Johnny has alway been a connoisseur of winter. No sooner does the first snow hit the ground that he's out in it, building snowballs, making forts, all of the usual amusements of litle boys. But unlike most little boys he was very sensitive to the quality of his medium. Should the snow be too wet, or too dry, he'd refuse to play and simply sulk in the middle of the yard. So when Martha took him to spend Christmas with his grandparents she was worried that he might spend his time brooding. She breathed a sigh of relief when he came in smiling from his first day out in the yard and joyfully exclaimed: "I like it here mommy--their snow plays like home."

16. Once, long ago, there was a tiny kingdom in a vast forest. It's hereditary royalty were all masteres of the hunt: of stalking, of tracking, but most especially of archery. When a ruler from this line died his life would be commemorated by bronzing his favorite weapon and hanging it in the Great Hall. And thus the people of this peaceful realm had a saying: "After the reign comes the reign bow."

17. Carl used to be no more than a farmhand, slopping the stock for an elderly pig farmer. But when a grass fire swept over the farm Carl risked life and limb to protect the pigs and their enclosures from the flames. So the old man called on his lawyer and drew up a new will, leaving the pigs to Carl. The lawyer questioned his decision to leave all of his stock to a hired hand but the farmer drew himself up and insisted indignantly: "Fair is fair. A pen he saved is a pen he earned."

18. I remember once when I was working as a counselor at a boys camp. The kids were playing a game of capture the flag and the yellow team was soundly trouncing the red. Then an obviously sick eagle tried to come in for a landing on one of the yellow team's markers. He was having trouble landing, not least because the flag was only loosely placed in the ground and was shifting in the wind from his great wings. It was then that a greatly agitated camper rushed up to me and demanded that I call for Treasury agents at once. Bemused, I asked him why. He looked at me like I was witless and replied: "Because the gold standard is being threatened by an ill eagle current, see?"

19. Don't you just hate it when people with far too many items of groceries insist on using the express lanes? There I was with my loaf of bread and jug of milk and a totally uncaring woman with a cart full of laundry detergent zipped into the express lane ahead of me. I resigned myself to waiting until she was processed but the young clerk stood steadfast, telling the woman that she had to use another lane. She was furious and berated him but as she backed away I couldn't help but applaud. He had done what even King Canute could not--he had turned back the Tide.

20. Ever since Elizabeth Darby came out of surgery she's been very unpleasant to be around. Her system is too delicate to tolerate high dosages of pain medication and her pain threshold is low. It's not her fault, but the noises she makes would make Jack the Ripper's blood run cold. So I was surpried, as a new Italian intern and I passed the private room to which she had been assigned, to see a look of rapture cross the young man's face. I questioned him about it and he grinned at me--"Oh itza beautiful thing iza moan a' liza."

21. Recently there were sweeping changes made in military policy. Unfortunately the changes were very slow in percolating down to the ranks. So slow, in fact, that an inquiry was commissioned to find out exactly what the holdup was. Eventually they found the weak link in the chain, an overworked minor clerk in whose overflowing IN basket the new regulations were aging. It just goes to show--you shouldn't put all your regs in one basket.

22. One fateful Friday eve, many years ago, a mighty warrior king fell in battle, passing his sword to his son as he died. The army fell back in disarray but by the morn of the next day the son had rallied them. All that day and all the next they fell upon their foes as a ravaging storm, driving all before them. But ill luck befell them the very next dawn--their new leader was slain and the army soon slaughtered thereafter. A pity, really, but it wasn't the boy's fault--he was just war king for the weekend.

23. A burly Irish lad employed by a cemetary never missed a chance to gripe about all the diggin he had to do. Not being one for doing any extra work, his holes began to get smaller and smaller. Soon he was digging holes barely big enough for the coffins. But when poor Fitzgerald died he outdid himself. He dug a tiny hole and crammed the late begger, sans coffin, into it. His boss found him later that day and knocked him across the room. "Waddy do tha for," he sniveled. "Look yon," roared his boss, pointing where one lonely foot stuck out of the ground. "Tha hole is nae big as some o' Fitz parts!"

24. Dan-Dan the Mountain Man was a giant among men. Over six and a half feet tall he weighed in at over three hundred pounds of pure muscle. He didn't talk much, which made him good company as far as I was concerned. The first time he came by my cabin he looked mournfully at the feeble furniture on the porch--reckoning rightly that none of it was fit to bear his weight. He strode off without a word and when he did not immediately return I sat myself down on the porch for a smoke. After a while I heard an axe in the distance and presently Dan went striding by with a tree trunk over his shoulder. I watched him vanish into the woods, finished my smoke, and went inside. The next day I went out and found a beaming Dan sitting there on a massive hand-carved chair. "Aha!", said I, "You made a chair from the log that fit you."

25. BULLETIN: Math Professor Dies in Freak Accident

Professor Irwin Shaw of Roades College was killed Saturday while on a faculty retreat at the Sugar Mountain Resort. He was ice skating with a colleague, Professor Mannings, when he apparently had a flash of insight into a problem he was studying. Telling Manning that he had to work something out and that he'd be right back, Shaw hurried off of the ice rink, grabbed a notebook from his bag, and started scribbling furiously. No sooner had he started than a wayward skier hurtled into him, killing both instantly. Strangely, Mannings showed little remorse at the death of his friend and colleague. When questioned he replied, "He was a Professor, he should have known better. We certainly spend enough time warning our students not to derink and derive."

And if the puns were too abstruse, here's the key:
  1. time waits for no man
  2. the mail must go through
  3. the horse before the carriage
  4. it's always darkest right before the dawn
  5. which came first, the chicken or the egg
  6. garbage in, garbage out
  7. live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse
  8. another year older and deeper in debt
  9. absence make the heart grow fonder
  10. district attorney
  11. the cheque was in the mail
  12. lil' (little) Orphan Annie
  13. when it rains it pours
  14. there's no place like home
  15. after the rain comes the rainbow
  16. a penny saved is a penny earned
  17. illegal currency
  18. turned back the tide
  19. Mona Liza
  20. all of your eggs in one basket
  21. working for the weekend
  22. the whole isn't as big as the sum of its parts
  23. hair from the dog that bit him
  24. don't drink and drive
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Copyright 2000 by Geoffrey Higginson
All Rights Reserved